I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
