Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
