i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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