your thong is hanging out like whoa
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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