The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Randomize
