I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
