Just fell off a train. Bad.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
It's just like the Real World with babies
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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