I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
