my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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