: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
