Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
