Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
