we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
