i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
