My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
It's shark week go big or go home
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
