I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
