My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
