My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
A bitchslap is in order.
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