This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
