Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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