Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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