He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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