I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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