Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Randomize
