I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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