Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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