Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Randomize
