would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
