I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
