Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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