Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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