Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
