finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
