i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
