the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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