I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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