One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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