By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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