It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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