we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
