If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
