youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
