I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
we should paint friendship bongs
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
