I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
