Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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