Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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