rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Actions speak louder than pants.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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