life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
