new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
