you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
